Austin Powers

I was about eleven or twelve years old when the dentist sat back in her chair and looked thoughtfully at me.

"Well, it looks as if your mouth is too small for all your teeth to come through," she began, "so one of two things are going to happen."

I raised an eyebrow and asked, "Um, what?"

"Either the teeth that are in place will block the others from developing, which would be the ideal case, or the teeth will come through in a big disorganised lump all over the place."

I rinsed and spat out the awful tasting mouthwash that the assistant had given me, thinking about what this meant. "So you'll pull out the disorganised teeth then?"

"Yes...." she paused for a second, "... and then we'll need to put your teeth in braces for a little while."

There was another pause, whilst I considered what the future would hold for me amongst my peer group at school. Even the most charitable person would at least label me a 'portly' kid, and what with the current pair of spectacles I was wearing from the "these will be hip in fifteen year's time" end of the public health service's range, this was a flash of lightning from the oncoming storm of teenagedom.

"How long?" I asked, a little bit more quietly than before.

"Weeeeeeelllll.... if everything works out, then it'll be about three months," she smiled a perfect, albeit toothy, smile.

I wasn't that daft. I heard the conditional in both language and tone: "..and if it doesn't work out?"

The smile disappeared. Yes, that was a rumble of thunder - definitely closer now.

"It could take a little bit longer."


Ha. Ha ha. Hah hah haaaah. Seven fabulous words that do not cover the next SEVEN YEARS of my life in night-time head braces, twin tramlines permanently fixed across both rows of teeth, and a slightly dented self confidence coupled with a relieved feeling that things couldn't get much worse.

Needless to say when the braces came off, I had a small bonfire in the back garden. I burnt all the vile equipment in a foul cloud of oily black smoke, whilst I stood watching it with a perfect, albeit toothy, grin.